We definitely need a joke thread on this new forum.

A few anti-window puns:



I tried to install a word processing program today, and on the side of the box it said use Windows XP or better. So I installed Linux first.

Best tool for the job: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.

The best way to accelerate Windows is at 9.8 metres per second. ( gravities max speed of decent)

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House.

Well, he's leaving..."

Jay Leno

20 ADVANTAGES TO GETTING OLDER

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People who call at 9 PM ask: "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

An Amish farmer notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from Chicago and just down here campaigning for McCain, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

Q: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
A: I just went outside and there it was.

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!

Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a house trailer.

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!

This just in from my sister ... I don't know some of the people quoted ... and only think a few are really funny ... but to each his own funny bone.

"Sensible Observations"

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." (Author Unknown)

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." (Author Unknown)

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim'.'' Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
Conan O'Brien

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in single file, from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." Mark Twain

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
Dave Barry

"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken." Unknown, presumed deceased.

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English'?
Every American

What's ET short for?

...

...

...

...

...

...

He only has little legs.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

A man came home from work,
sat down in his favorite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife:
"Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She look a little puzzled, but she brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said:
"Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna Start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer,
and when it was gone he said:
"Quick, get me another beer before it starts!"

"That's it!!" She blows her top. "You bastard!
You waltz right in here, flop you fat butt into a chair,
you don't even say hello to me, and then you expect me
to run around like your personal slave, getting you beer
after beer. Don't you realize that I cook, and clean,
and wash, and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed and said to himself; "Oh crap..It's started."

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least: The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.

Hey Fritz

You mention:

"Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton"

In Australia we say:

American beer is like making love in a canoe.
F***ing close to water


Having tried both I'd have to agree Australian beer is full bodied with a strong after taste, American beer is lighter, a lot like lolly water, sort of a beginners beer. It's why you guys invented coke which originally contained cocaine because your beer wasn't much chop.